take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
