I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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