so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
