Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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