Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
