"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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