You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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