i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
