id be glad to
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
