you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
