woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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