Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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