She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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