My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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