My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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