Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
