I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize