my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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