I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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