She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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