I cannot find my penis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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