My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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