so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
