I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
