he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
