The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
