Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
