I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
