some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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