How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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