I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
