Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
