i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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