Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
