i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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