Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
