Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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