Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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