Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
