Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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