Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
