textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
