It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
