Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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