So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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