just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
