Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
