i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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