Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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