You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
