Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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