I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
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You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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