he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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