so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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